We’ve all experienced this dilemma—your company goes public and your minority stake is now worth major bucks. You’ve been eyeing this used Bugatti Veyron, but a handful of affordable islands near French Polynesia just went on the market, with just enough room to build a landing strip for your Gulfstream. What do you do?!
This 2008 Bugatti Veyron (pronounced veh-roan) used to be the fastest car in the world. When I say used to be, I’m not saying that in the sense that the band you liked in high school used to be good before they started touring with Insane Clown Posse. I mean it in the sense that the only car to surpass it with any sort of legitimacy and staying power in the world record department is another Bugatti Veyron. It still is very much relevant and it can still beat the pants off anything with any combination of wheels on a paved road.
This Veyron, let’s call it the base model, came equipped with 1,001 horsepower and enough torque to rightly dust off the boots of every one of your fellow equestrians after an afternoon of riding animals that have yet to experience the thrill and immediate embarrassment of becoming self-aware.
The car gets from a standstill to highway speeds in less time than it took you to read this sentence, but let’s not pretend like you’re buying this car for the speed. You’re buying this $1.45 million Volkswagen because you think no one else has one and like a vintage Rolex Submariner, they ain’t making ‘em anymore.
You see, when it comes to super-exclusive hypercars, it pays to get things that are, y’know, exclusive, if only to one-up the jackmoe that thinks he’s hot shit because he just added another comma to his net worth. No, this isn’t the Veyron that is made entirely out of crushed Faberge eggs or dipped in the blood of the five holiest unicorns, but this car will utterly destroy Kevin from accounting’s Ferrari 488 on the way to the Christmas party. That’ll teach him for doubting your last quarterly earnings report. Asshole.
As with any used car, mileage matters, as that number gives you a good idea of what would need to be replaced in the coming future. Frankly, this Veyron’s 10,000 mile reading surprises me, if only for the fact that Bugatti engineers had the confidence and foresight to install five digits in their odometer. For a car of this caliber, having more than 10,000 miles on the clock is akin to some nouveau-riche yuppie taking his Porsche 911 Turbo S to the goddamn moon.
The tires alone, over the stated life of the car, would have cost around $120,000 to fit and replace. Annual maintenance would be another $20,000 to $30,000, and at this mileage, the wheels themselves would need replacement because you don’t want cracks making themselves known on your weekly 253 mile-per-hour coffee and bagel runs. Other miscellaneous spending would get the annual maintenance and running costs of the car to around $300,000—or, the price of a relatively pedestrian Mclaren 650s, every year.
However, it’s actually not a bad value, considering the highway robbery known as shipping rates to a private island and the availability of Travertine marble this time of year. You also can’t write off an island as a business expense easily, but you can make a viral YouTube video titled “5 Things I Hate About My Veyron” and in the eyes of the IRS, the car would be tax-deductible. Probably.
With that in mind, you’d be an idiot not to pick up this used Veyron. I hear it’s actually not a bad car—Jeremy Clarkson thinks it’s brilliant, and no one with a British accent has ever been wrong about anything. I’d do it myself, but I’m pretty sure the bank won’t give me a 10,000-month loan. I’m totally good for it though.